Growing up, the complaint I heard most often—at home and school alike—was that I was very, extremely, unbelievably annoying. And the truth is, I was. I factually annoyed everyone around me, and I didn’t know how to stop, which in turn annoyed myself.

I didn’t understand most social cues or rules. I would ask for clarification, and when I didn’t get an answer, I’d ask again. And again. And again.

I was trying to understand and get better, but no one could explain to me how repeatedly seeking the same information and then not understanding the answer when it finally came was part of the problem.

I spent the first nineteen years of my life like this—feeling like a space alien in human form—until some people I met at university took pains to convince me to simply talk less. I still couldn’t get my head around a lot of social graces, but I had finally learned that if I kept my mouth shut long enough, I could get by and actually make friends.

The thing is that I was different. I knew it, and everyone else did too. While no one was able to articulate exactly what the issue was, it was blatantly obvious to the world and his dog that I didn’t fit in.

Fast forward to 2022/2023 and I start getting recommended videos about spotting undiagnosed autism in women and girls….

Now, I did not actually watch these videos in the beginning. Something in my gut told me they were important, but I wasn’t ready. I started saving the links, though. For months. Until, one day, curiosity got the better of me and I dove in.

Let me tell you guys, it was a revelation. Suddenly I was hearing stories of other people who were just like me. They’d done the things I’d done. Said a lot of the same things. Experienced the same fallout.

By the time 2024 rolled around and I had the opportunity to get officially assessed, I was already fairly convinced what the outcome would be. I still wanted to know, though. For absolute sure. Some part of me needed to see the words in black and white. I cannot fully explain why or how it mattered, only that it did.

The report that came back not only confirmed I’m autistic, but also highlighted all of my OCD traits and raised questions about whether I have ADHD in the mix as well. I’m still waiting for a definitive answer on that last part, but in general I have satisfied my curiosity—my endless search for answers in a world telling me to shut up.

Some people don’t like labels and don’t find them helpful. That’s fine, but for me? I’ve got a sense of peace now. I understand myself, and what’s more, I accept myself—even the annoying parts.