Category: Personal

Life in Progress | April 2026

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

Things I am actively trying to do, big and small, in no particular order:

  1. Learning how to curl my hair
  2. How to do my make-up well, and consistently
  3. How not to make the world a worse place
  4. How to make the world a better place?
  5. How to complete this art degree
  6. How to find a job/how to make money/how to support myself/how to stop my partner drowning in financial responsibility
  7. How to show my partner all the love in my heart (shut up, I know it’s corny, I don’t care!)
  8. How to be an artist
  9. How to “find myself” (yes, it’s cliché, but it’s also a struggle. It makes the list)
  10. How to write again
  11. How to finish this damn novel
  12. How to get people to read my work
  13. How to get people to *engage* with my work
  14. How to make an impact
  15. How to live a good life
  16. (Re)learn French
  17. Learn Igbo
  18. How to figure out what that means and juggle it all and not crumble under the pressure

…

Wish me luck?

Trying – A Cultural Difference

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

Here, in the so-called western world—in the UK. In the US—when you say, “you tried,” it has unspoken context. “You tried,” translates to, “You tired—you ultimately failed—but you put in a little effort. We’ll grudgingly give you that.”

Not so in Nigeria! I can’t speak for the rest of Africa, because of course I can’t, but when a Nigerian* says, “you tried,” what they mean is, “Hey, you did your best, well done.”

I definitely prefer this outlook better. It’s the one I’m trying to take forward in my whole “Trial and Ellie” life experiment.

You can decide for yourself which camp my efforts fall into. (Though if it’s the former, maybe don’t tell me? At least not yet.)

 

*Upon re-reading this, it occurs to me that I perhaps shouldn’t assume this “worldview” is common among all Nigerians. Maybe it’s just my Nigerian. Regardless, you get the point.

Trial and Ellie

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

I didn’t know whether to post this here, on my blog, or on my newsletter; so I’m sharing it in both places and hoping that doesn’t bug anyone. As I will cover below, I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, I’m merely trying.

Where do I begin? That is the question. And the issue is that I don’t feel ready, but I’ve come to understand that “ready” is a fallacy. We’re never ready for whatever life has to throw at us, because we can’t be. Not fully. The important thing, though, is that we try.

That’s what this post about. And, honestly, that’s what my life is about. Trying my best, f**king up, and trying again. Because I want to make the most of things. I don’t want to wake up one day at sixty or seventy or eighty years old and lament all the things I could have done if only I’d had more time, or more money, or more energy; if only more people had believed in me, or whatever other excuse/reason I’m currently hanging on to.

All we have is the moment we’re in, and the most we can give is our best. It might not be enough, and probably it isn’t, but what’s the alternative? Give up? Never find out “what if?” Screw that! Even though it’s scary, and even though I don’t fully know what I’m doing, or if I’m going to do it right, I want to try. I *need* to try. I can’t live my life thinking that some elusive tomorrow is when I’m going to give my goals my best shot.

So, in the words of Taylor Swift, this is me, trying.

Tune in tomorrow to see what that actually means in the harsh light of day.

 

Not a Space Alien

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

Growing up, the complaint I heard most often—at home and school alike—was that I was very, extremely, unbelievably annoying. And the truth is, I was. I factually annoyed everyone around me, and I didn’t know how to stop, which in turn annoyed myself.

I didn’t understand most social cues or rules. I would ask for clarification, and when I didn’t get an answer, I’d ask again. And again. And again.

I was trying to understand and get better, but no one could explain to me how repeatedly seeking the same information and then not understanding the answer when it finally came was part of the problem.

I spent the first nineteen years of my life like this—feeling like a space alien in human form—until some people I met at university took pains to convince me to simply talk less. I still couldn’t get my head around a lot of social graces, but I had finally learned that if I kept my mouth shut long enough, I could get by and actually make friends.

The thing is that I was different. I knew it, and everyone else did too. While no one was able to articulate exactly what the issue was, it was blatantly obvious to the world and his dog that I didn’t fit in.

Fast forward to 2022/2023 and I start getting recommended videos about spotting undiagnosed autism in women and girls….

Now, I did not actually watch these videos in the beginning. Something in my gut told me they were important, but I wasn’t ready. I started saving the links, though. For months. Until, one day, curiosity got the better of me and I dove in.

Let me tell you guys, it was a revelation. Suddenly I was hearing stories of other people who were just like me. They’d done the things I’d done. Said a lot of the same things. Experienced the same fallout.

By the time 2024 rolled around and I had the opportunity to get officially assessed, I was already fairly convinced what the outcome would be. I still wanted to know, though. For absolute sure. Some part of me needed to see the words in black and white. I cannot fully explain why or how it mattered, only that it did.

The report that came back not only confirmed I’m autistic, but also highlighted all of my OCD traits and raised questions about whether I have ADHD in the mix as well. I’m still waiting for a definitive answer on that last part, but in general I have satisfied my curiosity—my endless search for answers in a world telling me to shut up.

Some people don’t like labels and don’t find them helpful. That’s fine, but for me? I’ve got a sense of peace now. I understand myself, and what’s more, I accept myself—even the annoying parts.

From Zero

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

It’s taken me a long time to write this post. I drafted it in my head a few times, over the course of the last few months, and then just yesterday I wrote something only to delete it and start again now. Which I suppose is fitting, given the topic.

I want to get this right—to express what I’m thinking in the right way—but it’s tricky because I’m out of practice and also because there’s that great big elephant in the way. And the elephant is why I’m out of practice.

So. Let me rewind.

The last thing I posted to this blog was in January last year, and that was just a recap of 2023. Since then, my whole world fell apart and I’ve been rebuilding, brick by brick.

If you’ve been my Facebook friend during that time, you likely know the details, or at least the basic gist. If not… I honestly don’t know how much I want to get into the specifics. I definitely don’t feel quite so comfortable airing my raw feelings in public as I used to be. But I also don’t think that change is a bad thing. Who knows, I might change my mind again later. The point is, this is all a work in progress. I’m still figuring things out.

To pull back a bit—and this might seem like an off-the-topic tangent, but bear with me—this year, my favourite band in the world started creating music again. Their previous lead vocalist died, and there was nothing (except a huge amount of collective grief) for seven years, and now the remaining members (plus a new addition) have started again.

This is also the year that the TV show that got me through so many hard times as a teenager and young adult has started circling the wagons for a comeback. And it just feels… right, to me that these things are happening. Or at least emotionally resonant from a personal perspective.

The past is the past and we can’t go back, but things from the past—the good parts—can come forward and live again.

All that to say, I’m writing again. I will be posting here again. Not in exactly the same way as before, but hopefully in a way that’s just as good. Or, dare I hope it, even better? That part remains to be seen, but if you’re reading this, and you’re still with me, thank you. I understand that I may have lost people (readers, friends) along the way, but all I can do is move forward.

To that end, and on a purely logistical note, I have moved my newsletter over to Substack and will be posting there as well as here. Wanna join me?

Perceptions and Pivoting

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

Around this time last year, I met a friend for coffee. And I remember telling that friend about how deflated I felt. I listed off all of the things I’d applied for. All of the opportunities I’d tried to get and failed to even secure an interview for.

I’d shot for the moon but had very much not landed among the stars.

Between now and then, so many bigger life changes have happened. Mental health breakdowns, friends leaving, a death in the family. Shit to put creative setbacks in perspective.

At this point, I can’t even remember what most of last year’s setbacks even were. But I do remember how they felt, especially now, as I’m in the midst of a fresh batch of rejection emails.

It’s so easy to feel defeated. To want to give up. I have cried literal tears on more than a few occasions. But I’m still glad I applied for the things I didn’t get. That I tried.

It’s so hard to get an outside perspective on yourself, but I’ve had people tell me that I come across as successful. As thriving. My writing and art flourishing.

They see the social media posts about the acceptances. The publications. The events.

Unless you’re also trying to ‘make it’, you have no idea that for everything that falls into place, there are five things that fall flat. And even if you are also in the same boat, it’s easy to think you’re alone there, because hardly anybody talks about the shit days.

The key is to keep pivoting. When something fails, you adjust your plan and make a new attempt. Then do it again, and again, and again, and––and someday, you hope to get where you’ve been aiming for the entire time. Or maybe a new place, that’s even better. But until then, as someone told me recently, it’s so important to remember why you got started in the first place.

You pick up a paintbrush, or a pen, or a camera not for possible awards, or gallery shows, or publishing deals. You do it because you need to express yourself. Need to feel the peace that comes only when you have let that expression happen.

This is a note to my future self, to not quit.

To listen to the friends who see your success and want to cheer you on. Friends who will listen to you moan and whine and complain on coffee dates. Friends who remind you of the important things. Because they are the important things.

Perspective Shift

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

Sometimes my brain gets tripped up on an idea, and it takes years to undo the sprawling mess of nonsense thoughts that result from that one, core nonsense idea.

What I want to talk about today is a prime example.

This is probably going to sound unhinged for a bit––probably because it is unhinged––but here’s how I used to think:

I used to get annoyed every time I had a new idea. Because I was getting ideas faster than I could do anything with them, and they were forming a backlog that was only ever getting bigger and, someday, was likely to overtake and/or crush me. Then I was going to be dead having left a bunch of unfinished stories and projects and it would be such a waste.

I used to wish the ideas would stop for a bit. Or at least slow down so that I was getting them at a much slower rate than I was writing, and therefore I wouldn’t constantly feel torn between all of my various works in progress. If I only had one short story idea per year, for example, I could write that and then still have plenty of time to get all of the words for my novels done. Or vice versa. Ideally, I’d have a ‘one in, one out’ method of working. But only once the backlog was cleared

I genuinely used to stress myself to near sickness over this.

But here’s how I’m coming at it now: it’s a reframing issue. Continue reading →

The Point

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

These days, I’m less convinced about the existence of an afterlife than I used to be. What I have come to understand, however, is that eventually––some five billion years from now––our sun will destroy Earth.

Cheery stuff, which has got me wondering… what’s the point, if there even is one at all?

If you don’t believe in eternal life, but do know that not just your current life, but some day all life as we know it, will end then I think you could be forgiven for concluding that––ultimately––so much just… doesn’t matter.

And in a similar vein, albeit on a more personal, and incredibly smaller and less important scale: if no one is really buying your life’s work now, and your words don’t stand much chance of continuing to reach people after you’re dead, is there really any point in wasting your time?

Well.

As I said, I’ve been thinking about this. And good news, I’m not just writing this post to depress you, because I actually have a conclusion. It’s perhaps not a conclusion that will suit everyone, but I personally find it comforting.

But let’s back up a second while I tell you about this show Angel––I promise it’s on topic, just bear with me here. Continue reading →

2022 Wrap Up/2023 Goals

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

I do not want to get into how 2022 went for me. It might be tied with 2010 for my Worst Year Ever TM, and the less said about that, the better. I will bust out a few stats, however, because you know I love stats. So…

  • Total Words Written: 157,000
  • Five Poems Published
  • Two Short Stories Published
  • Thirty-Two Books Read

So many of my plans and projects didn’t pan out, BUT I was in an anthology, I produced an art zine, I had my photography in a gallery show, and I had a mini-exhibition for my paintings.

My two main personal goals for 2023 are to:

  1. Stop being horrible to myself
  2. Eat three meals a day.

2023 Goodreads Reading Goal: 20 Books

Professional Goals:

  • Pass the one-million-word mark on the NaNoWriMo website (where I track everything I write, all year ’round, not just during the events). Context: I’m currently at 936,000 words.
  • I want to have posted 200 stories to the Elysian Fields fanfic archive by my ten-year anniversary (at the end of July). Context: I’m currently at 186.
  • Publish my short story collection
  • Publish part two in my YA trilogy
  • Illustrate and publish my children’s picture book
  • Do more art events and craft fairs

Feeling Reflective

Posted on by Ellie Rose McKee

I feel in a bit of a weird headspace right now. Life has been… interesting, as always. Many exciting projects. Many things falling apart. Much stress and exhaustion––you know, the usual.

I used to use this blog to get into the nitty-gritty of all of that. The exact specifics of what I was working on, the struggles I encountered along the way, and how I was feeling about all of it.

I miss that, and would like to get back to blogging a bit more. But, at the same time, I’m hesitant to address the harder stuff I’ve encountered this year as a bunch of it still feels too raw. I feel like I need the distance of time before I can talk about it, so I don’t feel quite so vulnerable. But also, I’m very aware that the things I want, and probably need, to talk about don’t just affect me, and that makes me nervous.

Earlier this year I wrote a blog post that was about my own personal growth and journey, that just mentioned someone else in passing, and that person––whom I love deeply––was hurt by my mention. And although it was a complete misunderstanding, my intentions don’t matter much. If they’re hurt then they’re hurt, and I’m sorry.

I’ve been fairly gun-shy on getting too personal ever since, and now I feel a little in limbo. Not sure what to do.

Dear reader, shall I begin again?