From Zero

It’s taken me a long time to write this post. I drafted it in my head a few times, over the course of the last few months, and then just yesterday I wrote something only to delete it and start again now. Which I suppose is fitting, given the topic.

I want to get this right—to express what I’m thinking in the right way—but it’s tricky because I’m out of practice and also because there’s that great big elephant in the way. And the elephant is why I’m out of practice.

So. Let me rewind.

The last thing I posted to this blog was in January last year, and that was just a recap of 2023. Since then, my whole world fell apart and I’ve been rebuilding, brick by brick.

If you’ve been my Facebook friend during that time, you likely know the details, or at least the basic gist. If not… I honestly don’t know how much I want to get into the specifics. I definitely don’t feel quite so comfortable airing my raw feelings in public as I used to be. But I also don’t think that change is a bad thing. Who knows, I might change my mind again later. The point is, this is all a work in progress. I’m still figuring things out.

To pull back a bit—and this might seem like an off-the-topic tangent, but bear with me—this year, my favourite band in the world started creating music again. Their previous lead vocalist died, and there was nothing (except a huge amount of collective grief) for seven years, and now the remaining members (plus a new addition) have started again.

This is also the year that the TV show that got me through so many hard times as a teenager and young adult has started circling the wagons for a comeback. And it just feels… right, to me that these things are happening. Or at least emotionally resonant from a personal perspective.

The past is the past and we can’t go back, but things from the past—the good parts—can come forward and live again.

All that to say, I’m writing again. I will be posting here again. Not in exactly the same way as before, but hopefully in a way that’s just as good. Or, dare I hope it, even better? That part remains to be seen, but if you’re reading this, and you’re still with me, thank you. I understand that I may have lost people (readers, friends) along the way, but all I can do is move forward.

To that end, and on a purely logistical note, I have moved my newsletter over to Substack and will be posting there as well as here. Wanna join me?

All of the Thoughts

I feel seventeen again, and not in a good way.

I’m feeling like I was last September, when the poems were running out of me like blood and my mind was lost in space.

…and it’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again

I can’t stop thinking in song lyrics. Can’t stop thinking.

There’s so much more I want to say about Chester, but I don’t know where to start.

I may not get over this. I mean, Linkin Park have been with me 15+ years. Over half my life.

I may not still be living without them. How do I start to get my head around that?

wake me up, when September ends

Chester

I am devastated. That’s not hyperbole. Not an exaggeration. The death of Chester Bennington has rocked me. I’ve spent the last couple of hours crying.

Every so often a celebrity dies and there is public outcry. Often, a small portion of the population consider such reactions to be ridiculous, as if celebrities don’t count as real people, or as if someone can’t be crushed when someone they’ve never met passes on. Thankfully, most people aren’t as stupid as all that and know that music is one of the most powerful things on the planet and that, through it, singers and songwriters can touch you, and change your life.

Linkin Park changed my life. Again, I don’t care if you just read that as dramatic or whatever. Truly, the music they made saved my life and made it bearable. They have been my favourite band since I first heard them, in my early teens. Along with Buffy, they helped me through such intense highs and lows that are beyond words.

It cost me an absolute fortune, but I got to see the band live when they headlined Download a few years ago. I went on my own, and I sang my heart out, and I didn’t give a shit how it looked. I will treasure that experience for the rest of my life (even if I am kicking myself that I didn’t take any pictures).

I’ve spoken on here in the past about my checkered history with mental health. Many of you reading this will, I’m sure, understand what I’m feeling right now. Part of me is angry that a life is gone, but I know exactly what it’s like to just… not be able to continue.

For those of you with me, let me share some words that have come to mean the world to me:

Weep not for roads untraveled, weep not for sights unseen. May your love never end, and if you need a friend, there’s a seat here alongside me.

Bands I Have Seen Live

The recent ‘Guess Which of these Ten Bands I Haven’t Seen Live‘ meme got me looking back at all the bands and solo artists I have had the privilege of listening to in person. Here is my list, so far:

  • 5ive
  • 911
  • Aerosmith
  • Alter Bridge
  • Atomic Kitten
  • Avenged Sevenfold
  • B*witched
  • Bowling for Soup
  • Crazytown
  • Ed Sheeran
  • Fall Out Boy
  • Honeyz
  • Kings of Leon
  • Liberty X
  • Linkin Park
  • The Offspring
  • The Script
  • The Undertones
  • The Vaccines
  • Within Temptation

I actually think I might be missing some from that – it’s been a while – but it’s accurate for the most part. A pretty mixed bag, I would say.