Not a Space Alien

Growing up, the complaint I heard most often—at home and school alike—was that I was very, extremely, unbelievably annoying. And the truth is, I was. I factually annoyed everyone around me, and I didn’t know how to stop, which in turn annoyed myself.

I didn’t understand most social cues or rules. I would ask for clarification, and when I didn’t get an answer, I’d ask again. And again. And again.

I was trying to understand and get better, but no one could explain to me how repeatedly seeking the same information and then not understanding the answer when it finally came was part of the problem.

I spent the first nineteen years of my life like this—feeling like a space alien in human form—until some people I met at university took pains to convince me to simply talk less. I still couldn’t get my head around a lot of social graces, but I had finally learned that if I kept my mouth shut long enough, I could get by and actually make friends.

The thing is that I was different. I knew it, and everyone else did too. While no one was able to articulate exactly what the issue was, it was blatantly obvious to the world and his dog that I didn’t fit in.

Fast forward to 2022/2023 and I start getting recommended videos about spotting undiagnosed autism in women and girls….

Now, I did not actually watch these videos in the beginning. Something in my gut told me they were important, but I wasn’t ready. I started saving the links, though. For months. Until, one day, curiosity got the better of me and I dove in.

Let me tell you guys, it was a revelation. Suddenly I was hearing stories of other people who were just like me. They’d done the things I’d done. Said a lot of the same things. Experienced the same fallout.

By the time 2024 rolled around and I had the opportunity to get officially assessed, I was already fairly convinced what the outcome would be. I still wanted to know, though. For absolute sure. Some part of me needed to see the words in black and white. I cannot fully explain why or how it mattered, only that it did.

The report that came back not only confirmed I’m autistic, but also highlighted all of my OCD traits and raised questions about whether I have ADHD in the mix as well. I’m still waiting for a definitive answer on that last part, but in general I have satisfied my curiosity—my endless search for answers in a world telling me to shut up.

Some people don’t like labels and don’t find them helpful. That’s fine, but for me? I’ve got a sense of peace now. I understand myself, and what’s more, I accept myself—even the annoying parts.

Old Enough to Vote

My blog has not always existed in the same place or on the same platform, but if it were a human? It’d be old enough to vote; to get married, and drink (in the UK, at least); to get a tattoo, and a credit card; to move out and get an apartment, or go to freaking university, all without parental consent. How wild is that?

My very first ever post was in February 2007—over eighteen years ago!

Or to put it another way, I’ve been sharing parts of my life online for just over half the length of said life.

Most of the old posts have been taken down in the years since, which is honestly for the best, but I still have copies of a lot of them. This site is archived back to 2015, and I have 2010-2014 saved to my laptop.

I once printed out my 2008 and 2009 posts, to keep in hard copy, because I was proud of having written so much (valid) and I considered them to be profound and worth keeping (not so valid). Those printouts no longer exist, and I don’t believe digital versions of those particular posts are stored anywhere either, which is a shame. They may not be profound, or matter to anyone else, but I do wish Past Ellie had kept them to look back on—especially considering how much paper and ink they used! (I’m cringing just thinking about it.)

Regardless, I still think it’s great that I’ve been writing for so long, and I am proud of myself for keeping it up and coming back to it, even if there have been absences of the like discussed in my previous post.

I highly doubt I have any readers still with me from the beginning, but who knows? Feel free to leave me a comment to let me know how long you’ve been following along.

From Zero

It’s taken me a long time to write this post. I drafted it in my head a few times, over the course of the last few months, and then just yesterday I wrote something only to delete it and start again now. Which I suppose is fitting, given the topic.

I want to get this right—to express what I’m thinking in the right way—but it’s tricky because I’m out of practice and also because there’s that great big elephant in the way. And the elephant is why I’m out of practice.

So. Let me rewind.

The last thing I posted to this blog was in January last year, and that was just a recap of 2023. Since then, my whole world fell apart and I’ve been rebuilding, brick by brick.

If you’ve been my Facebook friend during that time, you likely know the details, or at least the basic gist. If not… I honestly don’t know how much I want to get into the specifics. I definitely don’t feel quite so comfortable airing my raw feelings in public as I used to be. But I also don’t think that change is a bad thing. Who knows, I might change my mind again later. The point is, this is all a work in progress. I’m still figuring things out.

To pull back a bit—and this might seem like an off-the-topic tangent, but bear with me—this year, my favourite band in the world started creating music again. Their previous lead vocalist died, and there was nothing (except a huge amount of collective grief) for seven years, and now the remaining members (plus a new addition) have started again.

This is also the year that the TV show that got me through so many hard times as a teenager and young adult has started circling the wagons for a comeback. And it just feels… right, to me that these things are happening. Or at least emotionally resonant from a personal perspective.

The past is the past and we can’t go back, but things from the past—the good parts—can come forward and live again.

All that to say, I’m writing again. I will be posting here again. Not in exactly the same way as before, but hopefully in a way that’s just as good. Or, dare I hope it, even better? That part remains to be seen, but if you’re reading this, and you’re still with me, thank you. I understand that I may have lost people (readers, friends) along the way, but all I can do is move forward.

To that end, and on a purely logistical note, I have moved my newsletter over to Substack and will be posting there as well as here. Wanna join me?