Things I Need To Say

I have a lot of thoughts, right now. There are a lot of things I want to get off my chest, but I’m not fully sure where to start, or if I’m ready for the backlash.

The thing is, I’ve changed a lot from the person I used to be. Maybe I should begin by telling you about that person, to better put into context how I am now.

I was brought up in a strict Christian household that I found to be hypocritical in a lot of ways. Sure, there were rules and morals, but there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of grace. And without grace and love, the religion seemed abrasive and empty.

For a lot of years, I considered myself to have a faith rather than a religion, and as those years went on, I became more about love and less about laws.

Now? I’m not really sure how I would categorize myself. There’s a lot I don’t know – there’s a lot I have questions about – so I’m kinda shying away from sticking a label on my beliefs about God at this time in my life.

The mistake I made a lot in the past was to rush into decisions, and opinions, and actions without really thinking, and I don’t want to do that again. So, in a way, I’m kind of okay just to be questioning and thinking and holding off making rash judgments. But that’s not to say it’s not damn scary, because I’m honestly terrified about my lack of certainty. I used to be so sure of myself, and the world, and everything. But I knew less then than I do now. The only thing I am certain about is that everything is complicated. Nothing is clear cut.

Which kind of leads me on to my next point…

The more I learn about the world, the more I see that there are gray areas; there are spectrums, and scales.

I have a place on those spectrums, and I’ve been figuring out exactly what that place is.

The whole time I was sure of everything, I had a black and white opinion about all topics – from race, to gender, and sexuality, and religion, as I’ve said.

But also like I said, I’ve been questioning things… I’ve been questioning things for a long time.

I know this post is kinda rambly, but I’m writing it as a stream of consciousness, trying to syke myself up for the main thing I have to say, at the end. Which is this: I’m pansexual.

Despite the fact that I’m in a happy, loving relationship with a man, I’m attracted to both men and women (plus people who don’t identify as either, or both).

This is me, in the truest form of me I’ve found, so far.

My name is Ellie, I have some faith, a hell of a lot of questions, I’m pansexual, and I’m okay with that.

I’ve found a place of peace, and acceptance.

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